[This post is part of a group synchroblog. This month the bloggers will share stories related to living a resurrected life and answering the question, "Do you live under a rock?" Check out the awesome blogger's links below! I will add to the list as they come in!]
I guess I have to admit, sometimes I have a tendency live under a rock. Fumbling around in darkness, not really knowing which way to go, not knowing or maybe believing He is there? I wrote about darkness back in January of 2010(Out of the Darkness) and well, it still feels like maybe my heart intermittently forgets His great love for me and why He died for me. And, right now, I almost think I'm actually living BETWEEN "a rock" and a "hard place"!The hard place. It's moving forward into what I believe God has been stirring in my heart for a long time. In the bigger picture, it's freedom. In my head and heart, it's trying to come to terms with the fact that I have been living under an "oppressive system" in which I have been taught certain scripture or doing church. Right now, it's confusing to me, scary and at times, very frustrating. It feels as if I'm doing something wrong, going off the deep end or being rebellious. But, at the same time, I KNOW it's Him. He's there and I believe He's just telling me to trust Him and stay there. So, it's hard right now because I sometimes want to run back to the old ways of doing things because it's familiar, comfortable...easy. I just wrote a poem about trying to "break through" and STAY in this hard place(Ruined by Grace). Maybe this breaking through IS learning to live on the resurrected side of the cross? I don't know, but sometimes it is painful and full of all kinds of temptations.
I have often heard people say that so many people live on the crucified side of the cross and not the resurrected side. But, what DOES the resurrected side really look like? I believe it doesn't really look different or fancy or glamorous to the world. After all, it's the resurrection, not the ascension. Living on the resurrected side doesn't mean life will be perfect, that we will always be happy, or that we will never experience hardship. It just means that in all of life we trust Him and what He is doing because He paid a price and loves us and cares about us. That's it.
The rock. Well, right now, the rock seems to be this place or this pull of me wanting to run back to Egypt or former ways of believing. Ways that may seem comfortable, familiar, but are still there holding my chains of oppression...bondage. Bondage to a system that says I'm not good enough or confident enough to be "one of God's special people"(honestly, was told this by a "fellow believer" one time). A "friend" here once told me that I better "be careful" about singing the words to the Train song, "Calling all angels" because I would some how call "bad" angels to me if I didn't sing the words, "Calling all 'good' angels" instead?! Yea, she "knew better" because she was born in a Christian family, went to a famous Christian college and I better just "submit" because I didn't know anything!? I think for awhile, I DID believe her! Or at least believed things like this. I definitely felt lesser...like I was not a good Christian because I wasn't raised in a Christian home or because I had struggles...which we all do. And, those struggles never seemed to be forgiven, rather full of guilt and shame. So, WHY do I want to "go back"? I guess because I DID believe all the accusations and things held over my head...so, I kept trying and staying in submission to this type of control...maybe hoping that some day I would be the "perfect Christian".
Some times people in this place can be severe narcissists. My friend Karla just wrote an amazing poem about this(The Religious Narcissist). While Karla was massively exposed to the brunt of all of this, this man was in our small group for awhile and he and a couple of others really thought they were "God's chosen" and the rest of us were just peons. It's weird...and, the hard part for me, is how sometimes they can suck you into believing some of it!?! Yea, my problem, always trying to be friends with the narcissistic woman who thinks this?!! These are those women that just simply surround themselves with people that they can control. Yes, she was one in this "chosen group". Any time a stronger woman came into her life or someone in her "chosen circle" started to question her, get more attention than her or actually just see the truth...well, she got rid of them. And, she scapegoated them. One of my favorite quotes...
"People will constantly try to hook your wounded self. They will point out your needs, your character defects, your limitations and sins. That is how they attempt to dismiss what God, through you, is saying to them." -Henri J. Nouwen
I know this "rock", on the other side of the "hard place" MAYBE did offer some good things at one point in life. Things like discipline and being consistent, worship and prayer. All very important, but they seemed to come with people who believed they had the "correct way" of doing them and any other way was a "sin".
I believe the hard place will some day get a little less scary and will reveal to me His healing and His love. I believe it will be living in His resurrection and His glory. And, it will no longer be a hard place that squishes me on the other side of the rock. It will be THE ROCK that I actually stand on...Jesus, loving me and forgiving me in these hard places! One scripture a friend recently reminded me of, Psalm 61...
"Hear my cry, O God,listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I,
for you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the enemy.
Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!" -Psalm 61:1-4
Yea, instead of wedging myself between a rock and a hard place, probably the best place to wedge myself in between right now is community...
THIS is why I have seen "the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living"! Because of the people who love me...He's in our hearts, Beloved...each one of us carrying on His resurrection work of healing, love, grace and forgiveness!
Links to Synchrobloggers below:
Brambonius, Brambonius' blog in english - hiding the Resurrection life like a candle under a bucket?
thanks for this, tammy. so good & i love psalm 27 "i will see goodness in the land of the living" i liked this line, too, so good: "I believe it doesn't really look different or fancy or glamorous to the world. After all, it's the resurrection, not the ascension." keep writing, girl!
ReplyDeleteTammy, thank you so much for sharing. The first time I read this, I wept. I have felt so much of what you have felt, and, for so many years I have been living on the crucifixion side of the cross. I am currently writing on the exodus and how the Israelites were always tempted by Egypt in the midst of the wilderness, even though God was visibly with them and performed miracle after miracle! Because achieving true freedom is painful and hard and filled with the unknown. But He promises to rebuild us, as he says in Isaiah 54. You are on a wonderful walk with Him. I pray for you to have peace and fullness in Him
ReplyDeleteThanks, PK, I truly believe The Refuge has shown me the "goodness of the Lord in the land of the living"...I am just sometimes not too quick to see it! And, Karla, wow, I am glad we were able to connect. Made me realize some things I have to grieve surrounding that whole crew of those that treated us as if we were NOT called by God!?!? Praying for your heart, girl! God bless!
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