Freedom

 

I finished painting the above picture this past summer.  It is the 7th attempt at painting a vision God gave me during a prayer session in 2006.  I wanted to share it because it represents freedom to me and it gives me hope for more healing and being in His presence.

The original vision had a horrible black demon in the left lower corner, however, Jesus was holding the demon back.  I love how that developed or changed because it is nothing but a mere orangish fire-like corner now.  And, well, the rest of it didn't change much from the original.  Still a vision of running in a field...freedom.

I started this blog in June of '09 when I had some friends encourage me to.  They told me that I had sent them some great emails that really blessed and encouraged them so, they thought I should write similar things in a blog to encourage others.  I also thought a blog site would be a great place to share some of my poems.  So, a lot of my earlier posts show these types of things.

However, during the past couple of years, I ended up being exposed to spiritual abuse.  So, some of my posts were expressing anger about that. But, I can now move forward with a great discern-o-meter for recognizing spiritual abuse. 

So, it is my hope that God will allow me to begin again with heart-felt and encouraging posts.  While the spiritual abuse ones have ministered to others, I believe I need to find a balance.  A balance that will not only educate on spiritual abuse but will also encourage.

I pray we all would encourage one another.  I pray we all would seek His presence and live in His freedom!

Rock and a Hard Place

[This post is part of a group synchroblog. This month the bloggers will share stories related to living a resurrected life and answering the question, "Do you live under a rock?" Check out the awesome blogger's links below! I will add to the list as they come in!]

I guess I have to admit, sometimes I have a tendency live under a rock.  Fumbling around in darkness, not really knowing which way to go, not knowing or maybe believing He is there?  I wrote about darkness back in January of 2010(Out of the Darkness) and well, it still feels like maybe my heart intermittently forgets His great love for me and why He died for me.  And, right now, I almost think I'm actually living BETWEEN "a rock" and a "hard place"!

The hard place.  It's moving forward into what I believe God has been stirring in my heart for a long time.  In the bigger picture, it's freedom.  In my head and heart, it's trying to come to terms with the fact that I have been living under an "oppressive system" in which I have been taught certain scripture or doing church.  Right now, it's confusing to me, scary and at times, very frustrating.  It feels as if I'm doing something wrong, going off the deep end or being rebellious.  But, at the same time, I KNOW it's Him.  He's there and I believe He's just telling me to trust Him and stay there.  So, it's hard right now because I sometimes want to run back to the old ways of doing things because it's familiar, comfortable...easy.  I just wrote a poem about trying to "break through" and STAY in this hard place(Ruined by Grace).  Maybe this breaking through IS learning to live on the resurrected side of the cross?  I don't know, but sometimes it is painful and full of all kinds of temptations. 

I have often heard people say that so many people live on the crucified side of the cross and not the resurrected side.  But, what DOES the resurrected side really look like?  I believe it doesn't really look different or fancy or glamorous to the world.  After all, it's the resurrection, not the ascension.  Living on the resurrected side doesn't mean life will be perfect, that we will always be happy, or that we will never experience hardship.  It just means that in all of life we trust Him and what He is doing because He paid a price and loves us and cares about us.  That's it.

The rock.  Well, right now, the rock seems to be this place or this pull of me wanting to run back to Egypt or former ways of believing.  Ways that may seem comfortable, familiar, but are still there holding my chains of oppression...bondage.  Bondage to a system that says I'm not good enough or confident enough to be "one of God's special people"(honestly, was told this by a "fellow believer" one time).  A "friend" here once told me that I better "be careful" about singing the words to the Train song, "Calling all angels" because I would some how call "bad" angels to me if I didn't sing the words, "Calling all 'good' angels" instead?!  Yea, she "knew better" because she was born in a Christian family, went to a famous Christian college and I better just "submit" because I didn't know anything!?  I think for awhile, I DID believe her!  Or at least believed things like this.  I definitely felt lesser...like I was not a good Christian because I wasn't raised in a Christian home or because I had struggles...which we all do.  And, those struggles never seemed to be forgiven, rather full of guilt and shame.  So, WHY do I want to "go back"?  I guess because I DID believe all the accusations and things held over my head...so, I kept trying and staying in submission to this type of control...maybe hoping that some day I would be the "perfect Christian".

Some times people in this place can be severe narcissists.  My friend Karla just wrote an amazing poem about this(The Religious Narcissist).  While Karla was massively exposed to the brunt of all of this, this man was in our small group for awhile and he and a couple of others really thought they were "God's chosen" and the rest of us were just peons.  It's weird...and, the hard part for me, is how sometimes they can suck you into believing some of it!?!  Yea, my problem, always trying to be friends with the narcissistic woman who thinks this?!!  These are those women that just simply surround themselves with people that they can control.  Yes, she was one in this "chosen group".  Any time a stronger woman came into her life or someone in her "chosen circle" started to question her, get more attention than her or actually just see the truth...well, she got rid of them.  And, she scapegoated them.  One of my favorite quotes...

"People will constantly try to hook your wounded self. They will point out your needs, your character defects, your limitations and sins. That is how they attempt to dismiss what God, through you, is saying to them." -Henri J. Nouwen

I know this "rock", on the other side of the "hard place" MAYBE did offer some good things at one point in life.  Things like discipline and being consistent, worship and prayer.  All very important, but they seemed to come with people who believed they had the "correct way" of doing them and any other way was a "sin".

I believe the hard place will some day get a little less scary and will reveal to me His healing and His love.  I believe it will be living in His resurrection and His glory.  And, it will no longer be a hard place that squishes me on the other side of the rock.  It will be THE ROCK that I actually stand on...Jesus, loving me and forgiving me in these hard places!  One scripture a friend recently reminded me of, Psalm 61...

"Hear my cry, O God,listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I,
for you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the enemy.
Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!" -Psalm 61:1-4

Yea, instead of wedging myself between a rock and a hard place, probably the best place to wedge myself in between right now is community...

THIS is why I have seen "the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living"!  Because of the people who love me...He's in our hearts, Beloved...each one of us carrying on His resurrection work of healing, love, grace and forgiveness!

Links to Synchrobloggers below:

Phil Wyman's Square No More - Apocalyptic fervor spurs benevolent giving

Marta Layton, Marta's Mathoms - Getting Out from Behind the Rock

Mike Victorino, Simply A Night Owl - Crawling Out From Under A Rock

John Paul Todd, e4Unity - Still Asleep in the Light

Patrick Oden, Ravens - A Resurrection

Jeff Goins, writer - Resurrection

Kathy Escobar, the carnival in my head - little miracles

Christen Hansel, Greener Grass - Resurrection Rhythm

Liz Dyer, Grace Rules Weblog - I Will Answer That Question In A Minute, But First, I Want To Talk About Jesus

Brambonius, Brambonius' blog in english - hiding the Resurrection life like a candle under a bucket?

George Elerick, The Love Revolution - (for)getting the resurrection

Alan Knox, the assembling of the church - April Synchroblog: Living the Resurrected Life

Steve Hayes, Khanya - Descent into Hell & penal substitution

Bill Sahlman, Creative Reflections - Do We Live Under a Rock of Belief?

Christine Sine, Godspace - Palm Sunday Is Coming But What Does It Mean

Matt Stone, Glocal Christianity - Living The Resurrection

Just before dawn

Rob Thomas has a song called, "Her Diamonds" and honestly, when I first started hearing it on the radio, I enjoyed it, but not necessarily more than any other song.  However, I heard his story behind the song and then, watched the video and was touched...deeply.  You see, Rob, wrote that song for his wife who struggled through a two year flare-up and recovery from Lupus.  Some of you may already know, but Lupus is an auto-immune disorder in which the body attacks healthy cells causing chronic inflammation.  It can attack joints, internal organs and skin causing a variety of complications such as heart arrhythmias, chest pain and most commonly reported severe muscle and joint pain.  While this list is bad enough, another symptom that I think is probably the most horrible is sensitivity to sunlight.

I don't know about any of you, but if I can't get outside and IN the sun regularly, I get a little grumpy.  I've always been an outdoor person and I'm always seeking time and ways to get outside.  If I had to STAY inside, out of the sun, it would definitely take a toll.

So, as I watched the video of "Her Diamonds" a parallel to God's Morning Star rising in our hearts started to unfold in my mind...AND, my heart.  I thought about seasons of waiting out the darkness.  Seasons of struggles, loss, grief and pain.  These are just times and seasons where we know we are going to have to walk through the darkness...walk through the pain.  And, if you are anything like me, you want the sun to come NOW, QUICKLY...TODAY!  I'm the person that reluctantly agrees when my pastor reminds me about things like "riding it out"..."taking time".  It's just like the video, which shows a gradual progress through a night of pain, we also wait for that shift to happen as we journey and it happens slowly.

When we enter this darkness, whatever it may be, initially the pain is fatiguing, debilitating, paralyzing...we are frozen.  We are in despair and blindness wondering if He is there and wondering if He will come.  Slowly with a little bit of "melting away" of that which paralyzes us, we begin to move.  We start to move and the movement is BECAUSE of the sun.  More "melting away" occurs and we gasp for air and slowly begin to breathe.  We may collapse, but we continue our movement as the sun begins to rise.  We are now bathed in a gentle light and starting to lift ourselves up because we are in a "just before dawn" twilight.  There is hope...hope that the sun is rising.  Honestly, this is some of what I thought of as I watched the video.

Another thing that is amazing to think about is Rob's lyrics about how he can't really help his wife: 
"It's funny how the night can make you blind, and I can just imagine"
"but if she feels bad then I do too, so I let her be"
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do, so I sit down and I cry too"
"It's hard to see them(tears) on the ground"

But, I think maybe he DOES know how to help her.  In our dark times, don't we just want someone to say, they can't imagine what we are going through, that they feel bad and maybe just sit with us...walk with us...CRY with us?  I bet it IS hard for a bridegroom to see his bride's tears.  In fact, our Bridegroom COLLECTS them! 

"You have taken account of my wanderings;
put my tears in Your bottle
are they not in Your book?" -Psalm 56:8(NASB)

If you want, take a moment to watch Rob's video:

So, Beloved, in times of darkness, may you remain faithful and continue to seek Him.  Daybreak is coming, the scene is shifting and you will stand in brilliant light.  And may the brilliance of this light be fierce and friendly and FUN!  You just might be surprised as you look back across the dark field you walked through and see that during those times He WAS there!  Every place that you sat down across this field...this dark journey is planted with good because He always traveled with you!  AND, slowly and gently He will point to your heart, and you will look down and see Him because an even MORE magnificent daybreak is happening in your heart!  It is a joyous day!

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear;

then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I" - Isaiah 58:8-9

Paralysis in His Presence

[This post is part of a group synchroblog. This month the bloggers will share stories of epiphany. I will add links to the other synchrobloggers below as they come in.  Check out the way cool blogger's links below!]


It was March 11, 2006 and I began the day skiing with a few friends at Breckenridge(Colorado).  Just a normal day of hitting the back bowls early and trying to catch "fresh powder"!  It was our second run down the Imperial Bowl and to this day, well, I don't know what happened.  NO trees around me, no other skiers/snowboarders.  I either "caught an edge" or hit ice and began an end over end crash that whip lashed my neck extensively.  I remember lying in the aftermath, and everything becoming a "slow motion", just like you experience/hear about when someone describes being in an auto accident.

I was lying face up and STILL can picture in my mind the sky and the clouds as if they were floating by slowly.  My friend Carter came to me first and I said, "Carter, you HAVE to start praying, I can't move!"  He did...AND, I did!  You have to know, I am a VERY private person with prayer and ESPECIALLY with my prayer language.  In fact, NO ONE, except my Savior has heard my prayer language.  However, that day, I'm pretty sure most everyone in Breckenridge heard it!

It was about 5 minutes into the recovery process that I started moving my legs a little.  I started sliding my heels up and down and was so excited, tears started rolling and the ski patrol even had to tell me to STOP moving them!  They were trying to be very cautious of my neck and not move it/me.  I have to say, the Breckenridge ski patrol did a phenomenal job!  One patrol did nothing but hold on to my helmet to keep my head and neck from moving as one dug out snow from underneath me to place a neck collar on. Then, as most of you may have guessed I began the "fun" ride down the hill in the patrol's toboggan!

At the base, I was immediately taken to Breckenridge Medical Center, x-rays were taken(no fractures), but then, the doctor came in and talked to me about my spinal cord...you see, even though I had movement in my legs, my arms were still not moving AND, they were in extreme burning pain!  The doctor looked at me and said, "I don't think we have to fly you, we are going to get you to Swedish Medical Center(Denver, CO) by ambulance.  But, I'm worried about your spinal cord.  I'd like to start Sol-u-Medrol before we transport you."  To that I honestly said, "PLEASE!" (yes, the doctor seemed surprised by my response)  However, I'm a physical therapist, and THAT day I remember that one of our neuro professors made a comment in class about wanting to get a tattoo on her body that said, "If I have a spinal cord injury, please inject steroid immediately!"  Crazy, the things that you remember in those times!  You see, research has proven that if you get steroid started with a spinal cord injury in a 3 hour window, the better the recovery!  AND, the REALLY amazing thing to think about is the time frame from the VERY top of Breckenridge, to the base and the quick decision by the doctor to do so, was an absolute miracle!

At this point, I had hope.  However, the remaining question was why my arms weren't moving.  I remember the ambulance guys talking to me.  One was giving me a "hard time" trying to make me laugh and the other one responded, "You better be careful, she's going to be able to slap you in a few weeks!"  hmmm...hope?  What were they talking about?  Yea, one of those times/injuries where maybe it's BEST not to know too much about the nervous system.  But, they had hope so, at the time, it helped!

I eventually had CAT scans and MRI's done at the hospital in Denver where they found spinal cord damage from a complete herniated C5/C6(lower neck levels) disc and a C4/C5 disc bulge.  The MRI's that day showed a squiggly line across the spinal cord which the doctor's pointed out to me as damage.  AND, with TWO of my follow ups with Neurosurgeons, I had a "panel" looking at MRI's, scratching their heads, and making me get up and walk down the hall!  Still not moving arms, but they were surprised by the damage that I was even walking!

The decision was then that I had NO choice but to have a fusion surgery on my neck.  They waited 8 weeks in order to allow some of the swelling to decrease.  THEN, another set of MRIs!  The amazing thing...this time...NO squiggly line, just some damage left on the front part of the cord!!!  Yea, it IS kind of fun to watch God leave doctor's scratching their heads!  AND, well, as you might have guessed I had some of my arm movement back!  Don't get me wrong, this part took A LOT of hard work with therapy and exercises, but the movement came!  AND, the cool thing some of the fine motor skills returned with practice on a keyboard/piano, journaling, knitting AND, water coloring! 

As I continued my healing, my total time of intense stuff lasted about 5 months!  No driving, lifting, working...VERY hard for a very independent person!  So, even MORE miracles seemed to "surface" during this time!  Visits and rides from friends...to church, to get groceries, a get well card with a grocery gift card in it, my Alma Mater providing computer work for me to do from home, AND, MANY, MANY, MANY times of powerful contemplation and intimacy with my Savior!

Some might say it was "shock" and well, the human body does do that with trauma, but that was probably only a small part when I was being cared for on the mountain.  After that, I believe it was MY epiphany/manifestation of His healing, provision, rest and ROMANCE!  You can't explain the "3 hour window" miracle, Neurosurgeons unable to explain damage vs. function, decreased damage across the spinal cord 8 weeks later(the nervous system is SLOW in healing), walking, return of arm/hand movement(my livelihood), provision and AMAZING calmness of heart and peace in my soul!  I remember times when I could spend HOURS in contemplation, praise or even doing my artwork without a single care or distraction!

His presence in my paralysis seemingly CARRIED me through one of the worst things that I've had to go through!  If this manifestation was a "wilderness by default" well, I don't care, He was THERE!  And the beautiful thing NOW!  I REALLY KNOW what my patients are going through!  I can relate to severe neurological hypersensitivity and PAIN!  I now carry that understanding and compassion into every patient room I walk into.  And my prayer is that they would SEE that compassion as Christ in me!  For I am and THEY are His Beloved!

Here is a list of participants with links to their contributions:

Ellen Haroutunian - Stories of Epiphany

Kathy Escobar - Orphans

Mike Victorino - What To Do?

Beth Patterson - A Robust Universe Includes The Botched and Bungled

Jeff Goins - The Manifestation of God

Jeremy Myers - Pagan Prophecies of Christ

Mark Smith - Manifestation of God

Minnow - When God Shows Up

Alan Knox - A Day I Saw Jesus

Liz Dyer - God Breaking Through Moments

Josh Morgan - The Manifestation of God

Steve Hayes - Theophany: the manifestation of God

Sarah Bassey - In which Annie opens the door of her heart

Katherine Gunn - Who is God

Christine Sine - Eve of Epiphany-We Have Come, We Have Seen, Now We Must Follow

Peter Walker - Epiphany Outside Theophany (Outside Christianity)

Annie Bullock - God With Us

Knit II

Hey my fellow brothers and sisters! I know, I know…you all are maybe sick of my knitting fixation…BUT, God is teaching me so much through this that I want to share His blessings!

I recently started a new knitting project. And, with good timing, I received the book, “Knitting for dummies”! While it is a good teaching book for the task itself…some of the words really made me think about this life God has given us and how He has knitted us all together as one body to display His perfect design!

As you all read, my last lesson(blog) took me through Psalm 139 and seeing the way He has knitted us together individually! But, recently, I read Col. 2:2-3 and Col. 2:19 and God reveled the many ways He has knitted us all together as one body:

Briefly, Col. 2:2-3 the ESV and NIV translations:
“knit together in love” and “united in love”
BUT, expanding The Message paraphrase REALLY hit my heart:
“WOVEN INTO A TAPESTRY OF LOVE”!

Wow, what an amazing God! I picture all of us joined in prayer together, carrying one another’s burdens and loving on one another! Then, I imagine God just looks down and smiles on us because He sees that this “joining together” is beautiful…it creates a perfect design and He loves it…loves US!

Then, Col. 2:19…
ESV: “nourished and knit together”, NIV: “supported and held together”!
And, well, again my favorite…The Message:
“Christ, who puts us together in one piece, whose very breath and blood flow through us”

Again, I love how God brings us together! And well, it is LOVE that brings us together! And, if you’ve read one of my past blogs on love( http://blessingthebeloved.blogspot.com/2009/07/humility-sacrifice-love.html ) well, you know my thoughts on love. And, it’s not always love as maybe the WORLD thinks of love. Sometimes it’s messy and painful…but, it always seems to teach us something and lead us back to HIM! It IS sacrifice...sacrifice of our souls for one another…just as Christ did on the Cross!

So, my family LOVED me well this week! Lots of prayers for my heart that have driven me back into my OVERCOMING phase!!! As you all read in my last poem…I truly HAVE seen His hand work in my life as an overcomer!
As many of you know, God has given me the courage to get beyond the trials this year and set some goals in getting back to what I used to do! I made a great list of things and was able to accomplish most of them! Just a FEW:
1. Back on the skis!
2. Hiked above 14000’…first time in four years!
3. Returned to church and prayer team!
4. Return to my career as a manual therapist!
5. Cycled over 65 miles…again, first time in four years! AND, the JOY as my fellow cyclists remember my famous, “It’s Shammy Time!” shout before a ride!
6. Returned to running!

The list goes on! Just a few praises! I did hit a slump lately with some pain issues, but yet, He still sustains me and I just keep moving forward! I know He has us all intertwined and knit together for a reason…it’s just sometimes hard to see that reason in the midst of painful realizations! But, it IS pain and suffering that we are blessed to share in with Christ! His suffering redeemed us all! His blood shed on the Cross for US!!! I imagine it is HIS blood that flows through all of us…knitting us together in love!

I am blown away by how He is working all things for good! As I just told a few good friends…I have never been SO close to the “threshold of hope” in my entire life!!! I love community and the importance of sharing in these things and being able to pray for one another...we truly are knit together for His good purposes!

Okay, thank you, my community for reading yet another KNIT blog! I’m thinking this next project or garment I’m knitting is going to be the best! I am getting better you know…despite all of my short-comings, I am His Beloved and well, He loves where I’m at and SO LOVES my potential! After all, He knit me together…knitted US together! Praise God we are ONE as His Beloved!

A Wounded Heart

In celebration of the first day of Passover, I thought I'd share another poem. One that recently helped free my heart of some wounds. It is a progress of revisiting a past and then "seeing" the redemptive work of Christ on the Cross for me...for all of us! I don't know about all of you, but as His Beloved, I became excited about entering the wilderness today! Why? Because He ALWAYS "captivates my heart, and speaks KINDLY to me"(Hosea 2:14-15)! Let's get the heck out of Egypt!!!

A Wounded Heart


A raging hemorrhage
In the depths of my soul.
Where was He?
Where did He go?
As I lie in darkness
With no control.


A tremendous shock
That deadens the pain.
Is this real?
Is this the train?
That runs through my nightmares
As of late.


An image that scars
Repressed to survive.
Has it surfaced?
Why won’t it die?
Along with the damage
To my heart and mind.


A childhood lost
To the violent abuse.
Where is the hope?
What’s the use?
In trying to hide
The numbing truth.


A Pandora’s Box
With a Perfect Storm.
Did this reveal?
The long-ignored
Desire inside
To be adored.


A wounded heart
With an eternal shift
Is this Grace?
Is this the Gift?
For myself and others
Repent, Forgive.


A hope for love
A return of Christ.
He is here!
He is Alive!
Pursuing my heart
Restoring my life!


A child that is held
A child that is free!
Abba Father!
Yeshua!
Joy of salvation
Dying for me!


-Tammy Carter(3/6/10)