"It's dark in here...very dark. I can't see You, I can't hear You...where are You, God?"
In all honesty, I think that became my most used phrase in my journal this past year. Crying out to God in the midst of hardship, loneliness and pain. Happy to have 2009 over with...praying for a better 2010!
However, this past year did make me re-evaluate true blessings...OR as one of my Christian sisters put it, "Silver Linings"! Just waking every morning and saying, "This is the day that the Lord has made! I will rejoice and be glad in it!" Okay, some mornings it didn't come out as chipper as maybe you just read that. But, I WAS thankful for the provision of groceries, a car, gas in the car...day by day of not knowing where these things would come from. He provided...and well, I guess I have to be honest and say that I probably wasn't thankful all of the time. In fact, I'm pretty sure I still complained and cried out to Him!
So, I'm thankful prayers came, intermittent times of worship happened and I am still in love with my Savior...thankful for His promise to not let anything snatch me away from His hand! But, instead of a day by day thankfulness...well, it seemed to be a day by day "fight" with a hardened heart, pain, loneliness, anger and bitterness. And, at times I DID wonder if He was even there. I hate that I struggled so...and well, still do. But, I also hate that in this struggle, fear gripped me and kept me from reaching out. So, I isolated...afraid to tell anyone of my struggles...especially my Christian friends. Those around me seemed to have perfect lives! Plenty of social events, family, physical health, finances, etc.
Have you ever just wanted someone to know the REAL you and not judge you? I think we all have. A community that would sit with you until physical pain subsides...someone to SEE your heart and HEAR what you are saying...and, someone that actually would not leave?! I think too often in the Christian community, we hide behind "boundaries". We take this pop-psychology theory and decide we are not going to get messy and involved with those in need...the wounded...the sick, etc. and we say, "Oh, they need help from someone else...I have to set my boundaries and take care of me!" Selfish? Narcissistic? Yes! I'm not saying we push limits in an unhealthy way...but, why NOT get a little messy? Recently, my pastor talked about how Jesus was always hanging out with those with "problems"! So, can we get messy and be around those with problems? Another one of my pastors also talked about when Lazarus came out of the grave Jesus didn't tell counselors, pastors, "the professionals" to remove his grave clothes...he said YOU remove his grave clothes!!! His family and friends that were there! Jesus wanted Lazarus' community to remove his grave clothes!
Why can't we get messy and remove a few grave clothes from our brothers and sisters? Are we selfish with our time? Are we afraid we might look "bad"...ruin our reputation? Are we wanting to stay in the comfort zone that has no room for the poor and the oppressed? I sure hope not. I pray I wouldn't miss Jesus in the "least of these" and miss the blessing He has for me through them...through me? Yes, I believe I am considered the least of these in a lot of ways! I've been exposed to plenty of people who "in this world" are definitely higher status than I am. And, well, I can't lie...it has hurt to know they have rejected me because of my status and who I may or may not be rubbing elbows with! OR...maybe they think I have "problems"! And, yes, I do! But, we all do...we all need Him...we all need each other! We all need a few grave clothes removed!
But, in the midst of some of this horrible rejection...I saw it! I saw what the world is drawn to! And, I WAS drawn to it too! Drawn to a worldly status of comfort, looks/clothes, cars, people, money, etc. The list goes on and on! AND, probably the biggest thing that concerns me for all of us in our struggles against what we worship...happiness...worldly happiness! What I would call "The New Age Happiness Gospel!" Where no one ever shows lamentation, grieving or
sadness...because that is weakness! My prayer is we all would KNOW the true meaning of JOY!!! Joy=calm delight! Calm delight in our Savior! Some of the most depressed people by the world's definition are probably the most joyful in the Kingdom!
KINGDOM LIVING! Praying we all would strive to live this way!
Well, I believe I am coming out of some darkness! And, in His time, I will look back and see more silver linings than I'm able to see now. And, I pray I'd be more and more in love with Jesus! I end with sharing a poem I wrote on my 18
th Spiritual Birthday this summer. I had a friend encourage me to meditate on the
Beatitudes...considering all that I had just gone through.
So, even though I'm sitting here in all honesty declaring I failed...failed miserably in being thankful everyday and failed in being a "good Christian"...well, He still held me...IS holding me and WILL hold me! He HAS and WILL bless me! I'm hanging on to that promise...as His Beloved!
Poor or Rich?
You have no money,
but you're pure in heart.
A heart He softens
and tightly guards.
You're poor in Spirit
and can mourn for days.
The Kingdom is yours
you're rich in faith.
You hunger and thirst
with meekness inside.
Inherit the earth
be satisfied!
You're falsely accused
rejected by men
Receive His Mercy,
Mercy you give.
You take steps towards peace
and humbly confess.
Child of God
you are blessed!
So take His anointing,
The Spirit in you.
Love the oppressed,
Bring the good news!
-Tammy Carter(8/6/09)
Matt. 5:3-12, Is. 61:1, Jas 2:5
